Trying to Set Boundaries as a People Pleaser

Most people know the importance of setting boundaries. Boundaries are important to put your needs first while also taking into consideration the needs of others.

But what if you are a people pleaser and need to create better boundaries?

In fact, if you are a people pleaser, chances are you have little boundaries and the ones you do have may not be very strong.

How would I know this? Well, I have a pretty good experience being a people pleaser and have just recently really deeply understood the effects of not having good boundaries for myself.

The truth is not setting good boundaries doesn’t just affect you, but it affects all the people around you and especially those you don’t set the boundaries with.

So, when you’re a people pleaser with weak boundaries there are a few significant things that can come from it:

1. Self-respect lacks because of the feeling that you have to respect what other people want before what you need.
2. Not speaking up about what you need places you in a chokehold and builds resentment towards others.
3. Not having solid boundaries in place as a people pleaser can make you feel a greater loss of control when things get chaotic around you.

These are the most significant things I have experienced as consequences of not setting good boundaries. However, I feel like it can also relate to a lot of other people pleasers out there.

This is because, no matter the extent of your people-pleasing situation, we are all similar in that we feel the need to push our needs to the side while being there for other people.

But when we reach a place of realizing that this isn’t a suitable way to live and we need to create better boundaries for ourselves how can we as people pleaser go about that?

First, you have to overcome the blocks of setting boundaries.

Beginning to set boundaries as a people pleaser is challenging because we know what we need but when we haven’t put ourselves first for as long as we have, the transition is almost more difficult than being a people pleaser.

A few thoughts may come up for people-pleasers trying to set boundaries:

1. “I’m selfish for wanting these things”
2. “The other person might get mad at me”
3. “I don’t deserve to put myself first”
4. “What am I supposed to do when I am no longer in that position anymore?”
5. “How do I create good boundaries without upsetting other people?”

Of course, these are just some examples of possible thoughts. But the idea here is that a big part of being a people pleaser trying to create boundaries is that it’s challenging to put what you need front and center without worrying what other people will think or feel about it.

They want to make other people feel better and fix things for everyone else tends to be so strong that when you decide to create better boundaries it makes you feel selfish.

The truth is, it’s not selfish to create boundaries. If other people see it that way it’s because they aren’t used to this change in perspective from the people pleaser.

But as a people pleaser trying to create boundaries there are a few things that are important to remember:

1. Initially, people are likely to react negatively to your boundaries. However, that does not mean that your boundaries are wrong.
2. It is not your job to fix people’s problems.
3. Other people’s problems/feelings are not your problems/feelings.
4. You are allowed to say no, have an opinion, and speak up for yourself.
5. Creating boundaries is not selfish, rather it is brave to state your needs.
6. Boundaries do not mean you put up walls. It’s important to find the balance between personal boundaries and still being there for others.
7. You can’t just create boundaries and then not tell people them. You have to voice them to the people you need to tell.
8. Boundaries don’t mean you go to the complete opposite of people-pleasing. It means that you listen to your needs and allow them to be respected by yourself and others.

Again, creating rational and solid boundaries as a people pleaser is not selfish or mean. It’s an opportunity to listen to what you need and finally respect that.

It’s not easy but it is necessary. People may not understand why you are doing this at first but they don’t need to. Remember, you don't need other people’s approval to do what’s best for you.

Setting boundaries is a challenge for people-pleasers, but it can also free you.

❤️🌻 Thank you for reading!

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