Running From Myself And my Truth
I was the kid that was told they were perfect growing up. Even if I did something wrong, it was okay because I’m still amazing, still perfect.
However, as I grew up I also experienced many situations, outside my home, where I was being told I wasn’t good enough and no matter what I did I could never reach that level of perfection I was told I had when I was younger and it killed me inside.
I experienced two completely different responses to who I was. This made me think if I am perfect why am I never good enough? Is even me being perfect, not perfect? So every instance where someone didn’t like me, I wasn’t the best, or in my eyes, I “failed” at something I would always take it personally.
There is a bit of ego there for sure but also a lot of confusion and feelings of being lost. Which response to me is right and how do I respond to it? Another issue with this is that it relied on the opinions of others to determine my worth.
Over the span of my life, this has created a fear of doing anything that may make me look imperfect or less successful which has made me work to avoid feeling like my self-concept has been shattered.
However, I have had a lot of growth with my struggle for perfectionism and this fear does not affect me as much as it used to.
I talked about this journey in a previous article you can read here:
Although, there are definitely times where this fear pops up without me realizing it. One time was this past weekend…
One effect of me feeling afraid to be imperfect has always been not sharing my truth and not being authentically me.
Therefore, over the weekend I experienced the effects of not sharing my truth, fully expressing myself, and sharing my knowledge the way I am meant to.
I have been holding back. Holding back my ideas and my truth. I have been staying in my comfort zone where I don’t have to run the risk of looking imperfect or not good enough.
I know that realistically that does not matter. In the big scheme of life, this is a small thing and it doesn’t matter what others think as long as I believe in myself. What matters is that I share what I feel I am meant to so that I can help others.
But why is it so hard?
Those past rejections and misconceptions were still being held onto deep within me that I hadn’t realized. They have been silently holding me back and placing bits of fear in my mind. When I think I’m over it a new piece of information comes up for me to work through.
I know I have not been doing everything I feel I am meant to right now but I also did not realize how much delaying those ideas was hurting me. It was hurting me because I was delaying it due to fear of it not because I couldn’t do it.
As a result, my physical body was affected and I had a swollen Lymph node. It hurt to talk and swallow. Now I really couldn’t say what I wanted to because it physically hurt too. Funny how that works, huh?
I spent so much time avoiding what I have been afraid to do that it reflected what I was doing emotionally on my physical body. I wasn’t embracing my truth and was holding back my own power. As a result, I physically couldn’t anymore.
These are some things I realized this weekend as I was working through this:
First off, everything I have previously written is part of what I learned this weekend but this is the big takeaway.
There has been a block in my voice for so long because I was always too afraid to stand up to people and be myself; I was also a big people pleaser (that I knew). I have done a lot of work to release that block so I can be confident in my voice but I ended up going to the opposite extreme and didn’t want to be told what to do by anyone.
What does this have to do with speaking my truth? — I was running from the sweet side of me because I saw her as weak. I was determined to change that and be independent, strong, and heard but I went too far that way. As a result, there was no balance in me. I couldn’t speak my truth because I was rejecting a part of me and forcefully looking a different way.
I had not embodied my complete truth because I was afraid I would be walked all over again and rejected for not being “perfect” in others' eyes. However, no matter how hard I try not to be that girl anymore there are still parts of her that are important not to abandon.
So I realized I had been running from myself. I had been running from the parts of me that actually complete me. Running from the truth about what I can share and give to the world because I feared the response from those who see it as bad or imperfect.
I thought if my truth was wrong where do I go from there? How could I ever recover from not feeling good enough again?! How can I put myself out there and risk my worst fears coming true?
The answer to all those questions is to just do it. Do what I feel is in my highest good to do and as long as I believe it is truly my truth that’s all that matters. My purpose is more than me and in order to reach that I have to learn that my fears of imperfection come from the only eyes watching my every move — my own.
Additionally, I have to unite the pieces of myself that I separated so I can be my complete self, my highest self, and love them all because they are all the same person.
Accepting all parts of myself make it easier to step into my truth and have the courage to share and do all that I want to for others.
At this point, this is where I’m at and what I have learned. From here I am working on stepping into the power of myself and gaining the confidence to put my ideas into action so I can be in my truth.
Then we will just see what comes of it as I go. Thank you so much for reading all the way through and letting me share my experience with all of you.
Sincerely,
Skylar Rae❤️🌻
Follow my Instagram for more soul enlightenment, mental health, and personal development — @skylarraeblog
