Being Alone vs. Being Lonely
“Aloneness isn’t loneliness and loneliness isn’t aloneness” -Rob Mack
Lonely is defined as being “sad because one has no friends or company” and alone is defined as “having no one else present”.
A lot of people are alone right now. The type of alone where you don’t have anyone physically by your side. A lot of people also probably feel very lonely.
However, even though being alone can be a challenge it doesn’t have to mean you feel lonely.
Ask yourself this, if you are feeling lonely do you actually feel lonely, or are you just wishing someone was with you so you don’t have to be alone with yourself? Believe it or not, there is a difference.
Here’s the difference: if you feel lonely because you just miss the company then you probably are okay being alone with yourself but just wish you had some genuine human connection. However, if you are someone who hates being by themselves because you are afraid to feel your feelings, are dependent on others, or don’t like yourself it is likely you are using your loneliness as a distraction to run away from that.
In the second case, being alone may feel very scary. You might not even notice how afraid of being alone you are because you are constantly trying to keep busy to distract from the fear. As a result, you might feel lonely because you don’t feel like you are someone whose company you enjoy being in. Therefore, feeling lonely is not just a result of you wanting to be around other people; there’s a deeper meaning to it.
However, we have to be comfortable in our own aloneness in order to not feel dependent upon the company of others. It will also help ease the loneliness when you go through a breakup or someone dies who you were always around. Of course, it will still be extremely sad and there will feel like an aspect of your life is missing but a part of you won’t be.
Another challenge to learning to love your aloneness is distractions. Distractions are a human’s best friend when trying to do anything except being alone with yourself and feel all those unwanted and vulnerable feelings.
When I didn’t want to be alone with myself I would try to work more and workout as much as I could. I was home with my family but I felt so lonely. However, I felt lonely because I wanted to be anywhere but alone with myself. When I was, I would get so sad again and I didn't want to feel that.
When I finally decided to stop distracting and start feeling I began to love being alone; it was comforting.
Some of you may be reading this and thinking there is no way being alone can be comforting! However, I can tell you from experience it is actually really gratifying to be able to have time alone and dive deeper into all things you. It’s hard and uncomfortable at first but you will see progress.
I’m not using loneliness as an excuse as much anymore. It still catches up to me and sometimes I find myself going to that place again but it’s now easier to catch it and move through it. The more you do that inner work to learn more about yourself and start liking what you are learning, alone time will be the best time.
To get comfortable being alone can be challenging for some people because it involves being vulnerable with yourself and vulnerability is hard to do because the possibility of getting hurt scares us all.
However, vulnerability is also the greatest gift you can give yourself. It can help you to understand, forgive, and love yourself. It can also improve your relationships. When you are able to do these things you will enjoy being alone more and then when you are with others it will be an added bonus.
If you are in a safer at home order or a lockdown from COVID it is the perfect time to learn to love your aloneness. You are literally being forced to take a break from your busy life, which is an opportunity most of us don’t get. So although this time of being stuck at home brings forth many other tough challenges, one good thing is that you can finally have some time to focus on yourself.
It is also an opportunity to learn more about who you are and what you want so you can get to know yourself better.
Getting comfortable being alone may bring up emotions you never wanted to deal with and that’s okay. It is normal and necessary for this to happen; it’s part of the process of learning to love your aloneness and be vulnerable. If you are struggling with that you can read my article on how to process those unwanted emotions: https://skylarrae.medium.com/negative-emotions-are-not-bad-emotions-eb5ab0d05655
At the end of the day, your own company is the most important company you can have. Learning to love your aloneness may be a long challenge for some but all great things take time. You are truly the only person you can’t live without so why not do the work to enjoy the time you have with yourself like you would with anybody else?
Sincerely,
Skylar Rae
If you have any questions feel free to reach out by leaving a private or public comment on this article. Also, make sure to follow my Instagram for blog updates and daily inspiration: @skylarraeblog
If you want to learn more about the power of vulnerability with yourself and others I recommend watching this TedTalk with Brene Brown: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en
Also if you want to learn more about the quote at the beginning listen to this podcast episode: How to increase happiness and the power of alone time with celebrity life coach Rob Mack
