3 Reasons Why Relying on External Validation is Unhealthy
Of course, we all like to be validated by other people once in a while. I mean who doesn’t like to be told they look good, their idea was brilliant, or that someone is proud of them?
These are all very normal things to want to hear from others. However, when the search for external validation is an individual’s only source of confidence and love it can often lead to one’s undoing.
Needing external validation is like a plant needing someone’s approval to grow. In this case, the plant wants to grow but is too insecure about its leaves or the direction it might grow in. However, only when someone comes up to the plant and says “wow you are beautiful, I love how your leaves fall to the right” the plant finally feels comfortable enough to continue growing.
That sounds a little silly, doesn’t it? A plant that waits for approval to grow? Well, it’s pretty much the same thing as a person waiting to be validated externally before making any decisions or in order for them to feel worthy.
Now, external validation can feel good when it is received but there are a lot of downsides of using external validation for your main source of validation.
What are a few of those downsides?
Places your happiness in the hands of others
Relying on external validation means that you rely on what others think to determine the way that you think about yourself.
When you do this your sources of happiness primarily come from outside sources. There is no internal validation that can add to one’s happiness.
Therefore, when the external validation is absent, an individual may find themselves lost, clingy, or anxious because they have no way of feeling important.
It is hard to be happy when we feel like we are never good enough. The people who don’t know how to give themselves validation are those who are unhappy with themselves the most. Which is then why they search for that happiness externally.
External validation may make them feel happy while it’s being given but the moment it seizes is the moment the feelings of unworthiness comeback. If there is no one to validate you, the unhappiness stays around. Thus your happiness remains in the hands of others.
Self-love is lacking
One of the most important things to have with yourself is love. When you rely on external validation it may because that self-love is lacking and you need to find it in other places.
You rely on others to give you love and have a hard time feeling loved when validation is not being given.
This can be very unhealthy for an individual because, like happiness, love is being placed in the hands of others. When that love is not received it can further make one feel unworthy and unloveable.
Every human being needs to find love for themselves before they can receive healthy love from others. Therefore, relying on external validation for feeling loved may also result in that love being fake or not as deep. This is because someone who relies on external validation may hold on tight to any signs of love from others, even if it is surface level.
Creates codependence
Codependence is an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner. Codependence can be created from reliance on external validation when you need to be validated by a partner in order to feel like they love you, you are good enough for them, or you are important, etc.
You can also form a codependence on social media for external validation. An example of this would be needing a certain amount of likes, comments, and so on in order to feel confident in what you share rather than just sharing something because you like it.
When codependence is created the need for external validation is very intense. It becomes more than an occasional need for validation but a large reliance on others where your happiness and self-love is all dependent on external factors.
The best way to decrease your reliance on external validation is to first become aware of the places you are relying on it (i.e. partner, social media, boss, mother).
Then in the places, you notice you lack self-confidence, self-esteem, self-love, etc., work on giving yourself internal validation on the things you search for from others.
A big part of this is building a foundation in self-love and self-confidence. When you have that you can pull from there when you need validation instead of needing it from outside sources.
In moments where you feel yourself going back to feeling desperate for others validation, take a step back and look within. What do you need to hear or feel right now? How can you give it to yourself? Then work in steps from there.
Sincerely,
Skylar Rae❤️🌻
Follow my Instagram for more soul enlightenment, mental health, and personal development — @skylarraeblog
